wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
