when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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