the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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