I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
