Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm getting married
To pizza
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
