Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
