I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
