You're so nebulous sometimes
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
