I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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