cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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