I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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