OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
