sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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