Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
