I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize