took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
