$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
