The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize