All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
