So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
