i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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