i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
