i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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