drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
