You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
