Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
