I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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