did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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