Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
