Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
