I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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