just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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