Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
