I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
