i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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