I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
