Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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