so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
