This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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