His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
