hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
