Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
