Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
