It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
