Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
