Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Found your dick twin last night
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
