i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
