he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm getting married
To pizza
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
