I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
