Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
