I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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