you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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