so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
