shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
