put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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