I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
