i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
