:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
