What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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