I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
